when Allah is not in 'here'

salam a'laikum.

never thought this will happen again. well, He who knows the best. i'm just His servant. for that i redha. every words that came out of this mouth will be tested. every words that was written in this blog will be tested. and there you go aimi, you are undergoing a huge test right now~!

i think this is the longest test that i had ever gone through. and this might be the toughest, for now. it is very easy for a person to have doubt in his/her believe when Allah is not there, in his/her heart. when the heart is empty, not filled with love towards Allah... something else will take advantage of it. the one who had made a promise infront of Allah before. that he will try his best to mess around with humans' heart until they will accompany him in the an-narr [the Hell]. the Satan.

it is not easy when you are dealing with you own inner toughts. i tried my best to delete all the nonsense inside 'here'. but the temptations were too strong! i almost defeated. or had i? being paranoid of everyone for the whole week had made my scar even worst. as if like i can't find anyone that i can trust anymore. why? astagfirullah... it is not there is no one to be trusted. it is just me who's afraid to put trust on anyone. i was blinded by the word PARANOID. and i made the lovable people around me to suffer. for that, i apologize. 

walking with the face as if like 'ko-ape-hal?', had really effected others. and i hate it when my unstable mood and fragile iman do that to others as i hate it when people do that to me. but still... i did it. again, i apologize. i dont know where on earth does my strength had vaporise. before this, if anything happens, i could just simply said with a smile on this macho face, "Allah kan ada". and the problem was like just blown away.... but recently, i tried to do the same. keep on reminding myself that, "Allah kan ada"... "Allah kan ada"... it is just too hard to penetrate my own heart. Owh GOD!! it is hard, man!!

with less people occupying this college, i have more time to think about this unsolve problem. walking around the college alone, made me realise that i am such an ungrateful 'abd [servant]. in the morning, staring at blue sky with white clouds, listening to birds singing, observing miss spidey building her web. i have more time to think about the solution. that what was i tought i will. i did try to solve this problem. but i just cannot see the light. i just could not understand why am i too fragile right now? where is my semangat dakwah!?

 loving and craving tarbiyah from Him

alhamdulillah... last night, after the isyak prayer, recited the quran. before that, i asked Allah. "Ya Rahman ya raheem, please help me ya Allah. it had been too long. please Allah." and He told me indirectly from surah an-naml, 27: 59 - 64.

Say, [O Muhammad], "Praise be to Allah , and peace upon His servants whom He has chosen. Is Allah better or what they associate with Him?"

[More precisely], is He [not best] who created the heavens and the earth and sent down for you rain from the sky, causing to grow thereby gardens of joyful beauty which you could not [otherwise] have grown the trees thereof? Is there a deity with Allah ? [No], but they are a people who ascribe equals [to Him].

Is He [not best] who made the earth a stable ground and placed within it rivers and made for it firmly set mountains and placed between the two seas a barrier? Is there a deity with Allah ? [No], but most of them do not know.

Is He [not best] who responds to the desperate one when he calls upon Him and removes evil and makes you inheritors of the earth? Is there a deity with Allah ? Little do you remember.

Is He [not best] who guides you through the darknesses of the land and sea and who sends the winds as good tidings before His mercy? Is there a deity with Allah ? High is Allah above whatever they associate with Him.

Is He [not best] who begins creation and then repeats it and who provides for you from the heaven and earth? Is there a deity with Allah ? Say, "Produce your proof, if you should be truthful."   

the world is full of His greatness that proves He is the only God, but do we allow our heart to see them?

those underlined sentences and words really solved everything. Ya Allah, how I miss this feeling so muchos! then, i remembered that it had been a while since the last time i wake up early in the morning to perform tahajjud. simply recite the quran or zikr and slept. so ungrateful. as if like cukup syarat qiam. that was when the strong bond that i had built up between Allah and me had come to the edge of the clift. now i do believe that QIAMULLAIL is the time for us to meet Allah personally! it is the time for us to tell everything to Allah without being disturbed by the dun-ya matters. it is the time for us to strengthen our relationship with our Creator, ya Rabbal 'alameen. 

now i know how does it feels not to have Allah in 'here'. because it is being occupied by satan's incitements. so, as i asked Him for a new heart, i'll take care of this brand new heart sehabis hebat! the world seems so dark before, but when He is 'here', the darkness fade away and all i can see is the adorable faces that Allah had sent to me to help and lead me straight toward the right path, towards the light. insha-allah, this test had made me stronger. owh sekarang saya superduper aimirokishebatkeranaAllah! 

 

fresh air, tranqulity... thank you Allah. what else do i want?!

sometimes, people just need space and air to breath instead of attention from others.it is a long post, it is. you can stop now if you wanted to. because it ends here. ^_^

The one who speaks to the others is speaking to oneself.