do i doubt?

salam alaikum.

It is 8.25 am already but the sun haven’t say salam to me yet.[owh? Metaphor much~~]. Is it going to rain? hope so, insya-allah.

It had been a while since the last time I’ve post anything. I mean anything that could be a R E M I N D E R for me and for all of us. “WHY?” huh~~ I asked myself this question but it was left unanswered. natha~~ [woo espanyiola] none.. Nothing.. See!! Can’t even answer my own question! aiyok... i just.. Felt nothing inside. Empty. You know like the empty spaces between the particles? [jgn nak TOK sangat laaa].

Even though the 2 days in bangi supposedly had huge impact on me. But it only last for 2 seconds when I left that place. I realised it. I know what is happening to me. I know. I just don’t understand why. I keep on asking why. But what I got is only krriiikk kriikk kriiikkk [bunyi cangkerik]. I still don’t get it!

Do I doubt? Why do I doubt? Don’t I believe in the sunnatullah? Astaghfirullah astaghfirullah astaghfirullah… well, now I know. How easy our heart can be manipulated. By whom? You know who. Jeng jeng jeng…. The s*tan. Ok. Now I know HOW. But still I don’t know WHY.

Can you imagine how does it feel like? To know your purposes, as a khalifah and as abid [ubudiyyah]. To know how to be one. But still there is a tini tiny voice in my head asking why. Argh!! I could just bang my head to the Great Wall of China until that voice is out of my head. Dang dang dang!!!

I must get my head straight. But with that voice, I can’t. I just can’t.

So, only one way. Back to basic. And I found this in the holy quran,

dan katakanlah, “bekerjalah kamu, maka Allah akan melihat pekerjaanmu, begitu juga Rasul-Nya dan orang-orang mikmin, dan kamu akan dikembalikan kepada [Allah] Yang Mengetahui yang ghaib dan yang nyata, lalu diberitakan-Nya kepada kamu apa yang telah kamu kerjakan.”

[at-taubah, 9:105]

Why I should doubt? Isnt it obvious? It is all because of Him. All because of Allah! He commands us to be His abid [there is plural form for this but… can’t remember][somebody, help!]. He chooses us instead of His other creations to be His khalifahs.

“Sekiranya Kami turunkan al-Quran ini kepada sebuah gunung, pasti kamu akam melihatnya terpecah belah disebabkan takut kepada Allah. Dan perumpamaan-perumpamaan itu Kami buat untuk manusia agar mereka berpikir.”

[al-hasyr, 59: 21]

Imagine how hard it was for rasulullah to receive wahyus from allah. If the mighty mountain could collapse, how if it is human? And now I want to think twice about my purpose? Owh no .. no no no…. don’t even think about it aimi!

Ok, finally. I answer my own issue. Alhamdulillah. oh... ah-ha!!! i just hit something. not literally hit something... but I just remembered what I whispered to myself before I left kmb,[ hohoho.. monolog dalaman]

“aimi, just kerja ja. Buat ja. Jangan risau, Allah tengok usaha kamu. Buat yang terbaik, jgn persoalkan apa ganjaran yang kamu akan dapat. Allah dah berjanjikan? 9:105? Yakin dengan Allah. Biar pun kerja tu sangat susah, dan kamu x dapat nak settlekan… usaha ja yang terbaik. Sebab Allah tengok usaha kamu, bukan pada hasilnya.”

Ahah~~ now I remember what I told myself. Hehehe… Alhamdulillah… the empty space wasn’t empty after all. i just need to use the right electronic microscope to observe the particle. In this case I need to look further inside my heart. To do that I need Allah. Yes I need the One whom my heart belongs to.