diverged to hell?

salam alaikum.

it is 2.35 in the morning. but still, i can't sleep. already done studying organic chemistry, which alhamdulillah, i found it actually was easy... not VERY easy, but just easy. like easy to be understood. hurm.. don't know why i cannot understand it like NOW, earlier. perhaps not enough effort, right?

i made a colourful mind map regarding the topic. supposedly i'll be acting like zombie right now, but i still can think rationally although now it is not the time for me to be awake. [sleep early usually]. but then, looking at that piece of paper made me think.

"why am i struggling? what am i struggling for?"

exams? IRP [intensive revision programme]?
what are those?! DUNYA DUNYA!!!!
again i'm doing something without aiming Allah's blessings.
forgot!
forgot!
forgot!!!

"who ever desires the quick-passing [transitory enjoyment of this world], We readily grant him what We will for whom We like. then, afterwards, We have appointed for him Hell; he will burn there in disgrace and rejected [far away from Allah's mercy]."
[al-isra',17:18]

i just want to cry when i read this verse of the holy quran.
might be, Allah granted me what i aimed for just now. to understand that TOPIC. but then, it might be, at the same time, i was being prepared to be thrown into the Hell. O Allah!!! i know that i'm not worthy for Your paradise, but i'm not willing to be in Your hell.

"whosoever desires [by his deeds] the reward of the Hereafter, We give him increase in his reward, and whosoever desires the reward of this world [by his deeds], We give him there of [what is decreed for him], and HE HAS NO PORTION IN THE HEREAFTER."
[ash-shúra,42:20]

it is not just about the organic chemistry notes, it is about my life. throughout my 19, almost 20 years of my life here on earth, how much % of it did i spent to search for Allah blessings and His love? i don't dare to calculate it.

it is obvious that my heart still has those black spots.

but then, i flipped through the quran again and...

"verily, those who are Al-Muttaqún, when an evil thought comes to them from Shaitán [Satan], they remember [Allah], and indeed they then see [right]."
[al-a'raf,7:201]

He always know where,when,why,how to comfort his abd'. no matter how far i diverged from the straight path, He always send me a signal, reminding me about who i really am and what i supposed to do as a caliph and abd. but somehow, i feel ashamed. how many times do i want to be out of the right path, and again receiving lovely signals from Allah? how many times? how if just now, that i realised my mistakes, was the final signal for me? how if the next time i did it again, i won't becoming back, i won't receiving any signals anymore?

O Allah, please forgive me.